Is it real now?

I'm in a prison of my own making, the guard of my own feelings and the victim of my own actions. Everything has been done out of a need to feel so special, like no-one else exists and when I am cruelly reminded of other people and of the other women I spiral out of control. Control of the narrative, control of their desire. I cannot control myself, I must control them. De-center men, live your life without men. I have no life without them.. more that.. they have no life without me? I need them to need me; so then, I need them. Always blonde and blue eyed, the image of my mother. She played both mother and father so no daddy issues to blame on Sigmund. Father opposite, actively avoiding anything that resembles him. Everything is light, but it must be carefree, no strings and no commitment. I WANT FULL COMMITMENT. YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME when I am nothing without all of you. E, G, T, B.. collecting all letters of the alphabet.