I'm in a prison of my own making, the guard of my own feelings and the victim of my own actions. Everything has been done out of a need to feel so special, like no-one else exists and when I am cruelly reminded of other people and of the other women I spiral out of control. Control of the narrative, control of their desire. I cannot control myself, I must control them. De-center men, live your life without men. I have no life without them.. more that.. they have no life without me? I need them to need me; so then, I need them. Always blonde and blue eyed, the image of my mother. She played both mother and father so no daddy issues to blame on Sigmund. Father opposite, actively avoiding anything that resembles him. Everything is light, but it must be carefree, no strings and no commitment. I WANT FULL COMMITMENT. YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME when I am nothing without all of you. E, G, T, B.. collecting all letters of the alphabet.

Finding it hard to process my emotions, my feelings, my senses.
All of them are firing off at the same time, with none sometimes.
Trying to leave and sharing that with you has only pushed you further away, which I know deep down I need but I really in this moment just want to be close. I need your validation more than you need mine.

My baby, you're my baby, my baby

On the day of my birth I think about yours, I now grieve for a life lost or is it the one that didn't start.
In the depths of all my emotions and feeling lost in the complexity of them, I'm cruelly reminded of how simple and fragile life is.
But I wish I could have seen you and to hear you appear, like you have before in those confusing moments. Wrapped in your yellow towel with wet skin against mine, our heartbeats as one. One heartbeat.
I'm so sorry they said, and in those moments I directed the sympathy towards nothing. It happens right? These things just happen. Life happens, life goes on. How can life go on when your life did not go on.
and in your memory I am to celebrate my own.

Starting to feel a little bit better?
That message they sent to the group chat about that poor girl was disgusting and it's helping me see that they are no better than they were before.
I should be lucky that it ended where it did because I don't think they would respect me anyway. I don't think they ever have.
I received their ex's intimate photos ffs, like that would have been you with the next one. Don't strive for that.

A place for my thoughts. Feeling confused, abandoned and a little bit disgusting. The time I've spent with this person lately has been really special but sadly not enough to overlook how they make me feel and how they feel about me in return. I know that my ego is bruised by hearing that they can't see me in that way and part of me wants to try and change that, but I need to analyse why and where that is coming from. As surely, that isn't something I want to strive to achieve? The love and validation of someone who doesn't think I deserve it or (if they do) don't want to give me that. At first I was proud of myself for not crying during the conversation we had but on reflection I think they knew why I cried earlier anyway, so it doesn't really matter. I do feel that they didn't understand fully what I was trying to say but I'm not sure I have the capacity or energy at this point. Maybe when I do, there will be no need to.